


Evermore

by IWasAlwaysDead



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga), Taylor Swift (Musician), evermore - Taylor Swift (Album)
Genre: Album: evermore (Taylor Swift), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Yagami Light Is Not Kira (Death Note), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Death, Cults, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Getting Back Together, Healing, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Divorce, Sad with a Happy Ending, Same-Sex Marriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-25 04:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30083400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWasAlwaysDead/pseuds/IWasAlwaysDead
Summary: "I had a feeling so peculiar; that this pain would be for evermore."Light and L split after the tragic and unsolved murder of their only son. Will investigating his death turned serial killings bring them back together? Can they solve this case before another child dies? Or are they too close to it? Has too much happened for them to ever be the same?
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 21
Kudos: 28





	1. This Pain Will Be

**Author's Note:**

> Nobody asked for this fic but I'm giving it to you anyway.

_I had a feeling so peculiar_ _…That this pain would be for Evermore…_

Three clumsy fingers knocked ceramic to the floor, the ensuing shatter a heartbreaking catastrophe for one man in particular. Pushing himself away from his desk with those cursed clumsy hands, L frowned at the mess below. Coffee lightened by too much cream spread across tile as though the broken mug were bleeding out. It could've been a crime scene. It sure as hell felt like one. _“Fuck.”_

The whispered word was weighty upon the air which carried it. Near looked over to see what had happened. “L?” Near stood, not a single thought occurring to his brilliant mind as he watched his mentor squat before the scattered pieces of ceramic and carefully pick them up. Instead, Near simply felt the pull of sadness upon his own shoulders as he watched on. He'd always dreaded the day L broke _that_ mug.

“It’s alright,” L mumbled as he stood with the wet pieces in his hands and walked them over to the nearest trash can. “It was just a mug.”

It wasn't just a mug. It was hand painted rainbows and poorly spelled words of affirmation. It was _“I love you dad!”_ and _“You're the best!”_ wrapped around a gift that had meant the world to L. It represented memories and love and a life he could not return to. Now this memento would be forever lost to a landfill. Over time, his memories surrounding it would degrade just like the pottery would in the earth below. He'd forget the way in which his son had haphazardly wrapped it, securing it with too much tape. He'd forget the way Light giggled beneath his hand as he watched his husband struggle to open it. He'd forget that first reaction to seeing it in all its unworn glory.

Near had no words of comfort for his boss. There was a chasm between them made of life experiences that Near would not have wished upon his greatest enemy. Despite not knowing what it was like to go through such tragedy, his heart still broke for L as he heard the pieces drop into the trash bin with a clang. There would be no more Father’s Day’s for L. No replacement mug would be poorly wrapped and awaiting him come June. So many things died when his son did. There were no more plays or city parks. No more Christmases waiting up for Santa Claus. No more Halloween costumes and buckets full of candy. No more loving husband to keep his bed and body warm. No more loving marriage. No more home.

Now all L had were his cases and daily visits to the graveyard. Talking to a stone was better than talking to the wall, wasn’t it? Besides, it meant he'd gone outside and he'd promised Watari he'd go outside everyday to “improve his mental health" or whatever that old wind bag had been on about. What good was mental health when everything you loved was ripped from you? What was the point of anything at all?

“I think I'm going to turn in early,” L announced, knowing he didn't need to qualify it and yet doing so anyway.

A quiet, “Okay, goodnight,” made its way from Near to L as L walked out of the room.

L stared at his feet as the elevator hummed its descent, hands in his pockets as he got lost in his sadness. The soft ding signaling its final destination barely pulled his eyes upward. He only needed to glance at where to go, then his eyes could wander back down. His gait was slow and almost shuffled as he found his way to the giant front doors. He didn't stop or hesitate in his slow mission into the night. L was determined to visit the grave like he did every day.

“I'm sorry,” he started saying as he stared at freshly manicured grass. “I broke the mug you gave me for Father's Day. I wish you were here to make me a new one.” L smiled, but it was empty. “I want you to know that it's not your fault your dad and I got divorced. Everything was just too hard. We love you so much and we always will, okay?”

It was silly to wait for a reply but L waited anyway. A breeze ruffled the fall leaves in the distance and brought a cool touch to his somber face. It was all the reply he needed. Eyes closed as lungs filled with air scented lightly of forest and wild flowers. “I'm working on this new case I think you'd really like. You would've wanted to help me with it, I know. You were such a good detective. Better than me.” L scuffed his feet against the grass and sighed, “I miss you,” he whispered, choking on the words as a stifled sob escaped him. He quickly wiped his eyes. “I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I have to go now, but I'll be back tomorrow. I love you.”

Without waiting for a reply this time, L turned and lumbered off into the night. Silence surrounded him as he fell apart. It never got any easier and he began to wonder why he tortured himself like this. The thought of not coming to visit his son was just as awful if not worse, however, so he knew that wasn't the answer. His body felt heavy and his chest was tight as each labored step brought him closer to home.

The apartment was empty and cold as always. Unwelcoming with its barren and plain interior. Not a single frame adorned its walls, nor decoration or paint of any kind to liven it up. The apartment was as sad to look at as L himself. They were reflections of each other. He knew Light would hate the place if ever he saw it, but Light had no reason to visit. No, he imagined Light was free now, taking on the world like he'd always wanted.

L couldn't help but be reminded of the way Light left him every time he got ready for bed at night. The pain grabbed at his heart just as fiercely now as it did then. He hadn't been able to see Light’s grief for how blinding his own had been. L had become obsessed with finding their son's murderer. He'd stopped eating, he'd stopped sleeping, he'd even stopped speaking unless it was about the case. Light needed the support and comfort of his husband, but he wasn't there. By the time L realized his mistake, it was far too late. “I don't blame you for leaving,” L said to himself as he crawled into bed. “I just hope that you're happy.”

Sleep would come in the form of a nightmare that shook him awake not two hours after falling asleep. It prompted another trip to the cemetery, something that wasn't uncommon for him. L dragged a pillow and blanket with him and laid beside his son’s final resting place. It might've been a very strange thing to do, but often L felt he could only sleep if he were close to his son. The air was chilly and damp, the night quiet. It wasn't the most comfortable rest he'd ever taken, but it also wasn't the least.

“I love you, Kiwi. Goodnight.” His son had gained that nickname after his favorite fruit when he was a toddler and it stuck throughout the years. James L. Lawliet-Yagami was a naturally happy and inquisitive child and the absolute pride and joy of both his parents.


	2. Don't Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We discover more about L and Light's painful past

Unable to work out the crick in his neck, L rubbed the area with his hand as he checked his emails at work the next day. He nearly spit out his coffee to find he had an email from his former husband.

_L, I hope this finds you well. I thought this case would interest you. Please see attached._

_All the best,_

_Light_

“Hmm,” L clicked on the attachment and downloaded the file. It was massive. As he combed through the documents, a picture began coming together of a person who was murdering children. They seemed to mainly focus on orphans and foster children, but occasionally targeted families. A shiver ran up L’s spine as he realized this killer had a pattern, and that the way their son had been killed matched their MO. L had never solved his son’s case and it haunted him. Could this serial killer of children be the same person who took his own child? Could this be the case he'd been waiting for?

Over 200 children were dead or missing, and it came as no surprise to see his own son was one of the presumed victims already noted in the case. Light had hated how obsessed L had become over the death of their son so why send him this? Why encourage him to investigate? _Because it’s 200 children, L. That's why._ It was quite a devastating number, and L knew he had to be the one to solve it if only for closure.

“Call Watari and put a hold on all future cases,” L called out to Near. “Wrap up whatever you're working on and call the team. We're going to need every available person to work on this case if we're to solve it.”

“What case is that?” Near asked from across the room, sitting at his own desk, twirling his hair absent-mindedly.

“I've forwarded it to you,” L said without looking over at Near. The question plaguing his mind now was one of a more personal nature. Did he ask Light to help them or not? Would his ex husband serve more as a distraction from the case than as an asset to it? He would probably decline the invite, L reasoned. It would probably be too difficult for him to work on his own child's case.

“Holy shit,” Near whispered as he scanned over the documents with unbelieving eyes. “Two hundred children?”

“Yes,” L confirmed, a stroke of sadness in his tone.

Near wondered if L could stay objective working on a case like this. He dared not ask, however. Instead, he got to work emailing every brilliant detective they'd ever worked with in hopes that they were available to help. The list was short but the people were capable. Some of them even had children of their own.

Near stole a glance at L as that thought crossed his mind. L and Light had such love for their child. Once James came into the picture, everything had changed for them. Their entire world revolved around that little boy. Every argument they had, every decision, every worry and every joy started and ended with him. It didn't surprise anyone that Light was a good father but it was _shocking_ how attentive L was. He was downright motherly in the way he cared for baby James when he was first born. L kept him strapped to his chest at all times, feeding and changing him at regular intervals as he worked. L could be seen gently stroking the dark hair on the baby's head and singing softly to him to help him sleep. L rarely put him down and was almost never separated from him.

As the years passed and James started school, it was L who greeted their son each day when he got home. It was L who got him up in the mornings and L who loved to tuck him in at night. The detective had found a new obsession in being a father.

“Should we adopt another?” Light asked one night as they got ready for bed. “Give James a brother or sister?”

L’s face lit up, “You really want to?”

Light pulled back the covers of the bed and climbed beneath them. “Yes, I really do.”

L joined his husband in the bed, leaning over to kiss the sweetest lips he'd ever known. “I quite like you, Light Yagami. In fact, I think I might even be in love with you.”

“Oh yeah?” Light said, amused by his husband’s antics. “I quite like you, too.” Light kissed L, rolling over on top of his husband. His hands explored familiar white skin as they kissed, his mouth moving from L’s to his neck where he sucked a bright purple bruise.

Lifting his flushed face as his hips rocked against L’s to make known his desires, Light grinned. “I think I might be in love with you, too.”

L laughed beneath his lover, knowing for him there would never be another. No other man could part his legs or touch his soul like Light could. L had wanted him forever, and in that moment he thought forever was secure.

Neither could've imagined the horror of what would eventually tear them apart. Who contemplates what may cause their demise, anyway? It would be hours of frantic searching and police reports and endless phone calls before Light found the body. His scream echoed for miles as he ran to lift his mangled son’s body into his arms.

“No!” L cried as he bolted toward Light, tackling him in his side and pinning him to the ground. “Don't touch him!”

Light understood, his sobs strangling him. L lifted his husband into his arms and sat with him on the forest floor as they wept together for all they'd lost. Someone had placed a blanket over their shoulders. Yellow tape made a haphazard barrier around the trees. Police officers radioed back and forth. Someone brought them coffee. Everything was a blur. This had to be a nightmare. A horrible, terrible nightmare and they'd wake from it any moment now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I love comments! Share your thoughts and love with me, your faithful writing slave!


	3. He Was My Son Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light shows up seemingly out of the blue

The next day, L entered the office to find an almost happy looking Near facing him at his desk. It was annoying. “I've gotten a few responses,” he said. “Aizawa, Mogi, and Naomi.”

“Very good. When will they arrive?” L asked as he took his place at his desk.

“Aizawa and Mogi will be here today. Naomi by the end of the week.”

It was enough help to really get started on the massive case. There was a seemingly unending amount of evidence to pour over, and they needed as many people helping as possible in order to get anywhere with it. They already knew the killer targeted children who were orphaned or adopted. They never killed parents or any biological children. The current theory was that this was some kind of organization because the killings were spread out across several countries.

As usual, L picked at his lunch that afternoon and passed the time drinking coffee until an oncoming head ache prompted him to drink water. Aizawa and Mogi made their appearances to either distract him from his pain or make it worse; he wasn't sure which. The last time he'd worked with either man he was still married to Light. The nostalgia filled the room with a thickness that could strangle the strongest resolve. L excused himself early again despite knowing how important this investigation was. He just couldn't take it. Couldn't stand being in the same room as them and being reminded of a life he no longer lived.

“I'm investigating your case again,” L told the night air. “Don't worry, it's not like last time,” he assured, his eyes casting down over the stone below. A bitter sigh escaped him. “I'll find who did this. I promise I will. _God,_ I miss you. I miss you so much.”

He closed his eyes and envisioned a little boy giggling as he ran through short grass into a sunrise. L remembered that happy laugh, that smile like it was just yesterday when he last saw it. He remembered kissing scraped knees and blowing bubbles. Ice cream on hot days and presents under Christmas trees. He missed it all. He wanted it back. It made him so angry that so much was taken from him and yet he found the only thing he could destroy was himself. That wouldn't help anyone, he knew. It certainly hadn't helped his marriage. _I don't blame you for leaving._

“I have to go now but I'll be back tomorrow. I love you, Kiwi.” L ran his hand over the smooth head stone before turning away into the night. _When I said I didn't want him to ever grow up, I didn't mean like this._

The cold apartment was the same as it had ever been. His bed as lonely as it was the night before. The memories just as haunting, his sleep just as poor. There wasn't an end to his pain. He just had to learn to live with it. L closed his tired eyes and wished the nightmare that was his life would all turn out to be some terrible dream. That when he woke up the next day he would be next to Light and he'd hear his baby boy laughing down the hall and all would be right in the world.

That wouldn't happen, but reprieve would come in the form of Naomi Misora showing up at HQ the next day. She embraced L and apologized for being away for so long. He considered it nonsense; she had her own life after all. But he would be lying if he didn't feel that her presence made everything much more tolerable.

The team had made quick work of organizing the files and finding several leads and persons of interest to interview. They made a list of similarities between each murder and went over the photo evidence with fresh eyes. Near had tried to keep the pictures of James away from L, but it turned out to be no use. He could see L’s eyes widen just a bit, the hitch in his throat catching him mid sentence as he was brought back to that awful day. Maybe the other’s didn't notice, but he did.

After seeing those pictures, L felt like the rest of the day passed painfully slow. He kept hearing Light’s scream over and over again in his mind. Despite his best attempts to concentrate, he simply couldn't. No amount of coffee could help him now. Those images were forever seared into his mind and forever they'd haunt him.

“Have a good night everybody. Good work today,” Near was saying as coats were gathered and goodbyes were said.

L hadn’t even noticed the time. He scrambled up from his desk without cleaning up his scattered mess of paper and cups. Bolting out the door, all L could think was _I'm late! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late._

It's not like James would care. He was dead. He had no use for man made constructs like time. L cared, however. The one promise he could actually keep for his son was to always be on time when he visited each day. If he couldn't find his killer, he could at least do that, right?

L’s heart nearly stopped at the same time as his feet when he reached the cemetery. A tall, dark figure stood at his son’s grave, appearing to look down at it. L couldn't make out much about the figure, but he had a pretty good guess as to who it was. “What are you doing here?”

Light didn't turn to L. “Visiting my son.”

L found himself next to Light but he wasn't sure if he wanted to be there anymore. He hadn't seen Light in well over a year. Hadn't heard from him; nothing until that email. L stole a glance at his former lover but couldn't discern much. Was Light as destroyed as he was? Or did he recover and move on? Create a new life for himself with someone who wasn’t so desperately broken. “Why are you in Japan?”

“Near invited me to help with the case.”

L blanched. _Near what?_ His head spun as he turned to fully look at Light. He noticed for the first time how drawn and tired the other man looked. Had he lost weight? Since when did Light not shave? Not that a scruff wasn't becoming of him. It was just bizarre and very unlike him. “Do you think that's a good idea?”

“I take it you don't,” Light said, voice tired.

“I- I don't know,” L just couldn't believe Light would ever return. He wanted to scream at him, punch him, tell him he was a bastard for leaving. Tell him he needed him, he loved him, he wanted him back. Say he hated his guts and to go get fucked. Instead he just stood there, silent in the dark as he shared his sacred nightly ritual with the one man he thought he'd never see again.

Light let a long breath out, his weight shifting from one foot to another. “It might be too late for this, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, L.”

L didn't look at him again. “You're right. It's too late.”

Without another word, Light turned and walked away. Once he was some distance in the dark, he said, “See you in the morning.”

_See you then._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, this is a safe place to comment. I love hearing from my readers because it's you I write for. The only type of comment I won't reply kindly to are the type that are personal attacks or just plain shitty. Otherwise I would love to hear from you!!


	4. Working Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light struggle to work together

It was strange to work with Light again. It wasn't at all like it once was. He'd shaved at some point, but that didn't keep Light from looking so much older than he was. Tragedy had been so unkind to him after all. His eyes looked tired and they didn't shine with life like they once had. Looking at him just made L even more sad than he was before. It felt like he was staring at Light's ghost. Where had his beautiful husband gone? Where was his spark, his shine?

Near attempted to hide his anxiety at the prospect of things going sideways should Light and L get into a fight. The two had always had a lot of tension between them. Sometimes that tension came to blows. At some point it had turned into a passion for each other, but it eventually fell apart. As Near scanned the room, he noticed the two avoided each other, politely existing alongside one another the best they could. It was downright bizarre.

They tried so hard not to speak to each other unless they had to. Tried not to make eye contact or stand too close. They took turns getting coffee or using the bathroom. The way they worked around each other was silent yet intense. Everyone noticed. It was hard not to.

The tension between them finally boiled over when they disagreed on how to proceed concerning a certain lead. Light was explaining to the group that he wanted to interview a particular family when L interjected. “That's a waste of time.”

Anger flashed across Light's face briefly before he regained composure. “How?”

“Firstly, they've already been interviewed by police twice and neither time were any of their answers very helpful. I think our resources are better spent investigating other leads,” L explained.

“I would ask them different questions, obviously,” Light insisted, his frustration breaking through his calm exterior.

“Like what? Would you ask what they had for breakfast? Because other than that, I can't think of a single relevant question that's not been asked,” L said, laziness in his voice as he casually dismissed Light's plan.

Light snapped, finally losing his composure entirely. Fists balled and face red, Light raised his voice at L, “You don't know everything, L! You're not always right!”

Still unphased by Light's anger, L replied, “I'm right about most things and I'm right about this.”

That's when Light completely snapped. Later he'd say he didn't remember what happened, blind rage being what it was. Light lunged at L who was somehow still completely unsuspecting despite how obvious it was that Light was enraged. The force of Light's body tackling L knocked him backwards from his chair, and the two slid across the slick concrete floor as the team watched on in shock. Light grabbed the collar of L’s shirt and cocked his fist, ready to land blow after outraged blow to his former lovers face.

Someone grabbed Light by his wrist and shoulder, pulling him off of L as they shouted, “Now it's just like old times, eh?”

Aizawa and Naomi helped L to his feet as Mogi held Light back until he calmed down and came to his senses. Light didn't struggle much against the larger man, and soon realized he'd embarrassed himself in front of everybody. “I think I just need some air,” Light mumbled. Mogi let him go and he took the walk of shame to the elevator, which would take him to the roof.

After about five minutes of sitting in the sun contemplating what the fuck he was even doing there, the rooftop door opened and a friendly face emerged. “Can I join you?” Naomi asked.

“Sure.”

She walked over and sat next to Light on the ledge overlooking the city. It was quite beautiful and the warm, sunny day was an excellent compliment to the view. “It seems like you and L have some unresolved feelings to work through.”

Light looked down at his hands as they hung between his knees. “I guess.”

“You both have been through a lot. I think you should give each other a break,” she suggested, “In a lot of ways all you have is each other. You two can understand each other's pain in a way nobody else can. If you allow it, it could help you heal.”

The only reason Light listened to Naomi was because she had experience losing someone she loved. She had lost her fiancé Ray unexpectedly while working on the Kira case with them. She took a leave of absence shortly after his death and did not return to the case. In fact, this was the first investigation she joined since his passing.

“You're right. I know you're right. I just don't know how to make things better between us,” Light explained.

“Give it time. You'll find a way.”

After a few more minutes, the two friends made their way back inside. Light tried sheepishly apologizing, to which L responded by saying, “Just do your damn job,” and that was the end of it.

As the days passed, the two seemed to relax around each other a little. They still avoided one another and were oddly polite when forced to interact, however. Light watched with longing as L left every evening. He knew where L was going, and part of him wished to go with L. Part of him wanted to lace their fingers together and kiss those lying lips and whisper _I still love you_ as he held L like he used to. Loved L like he used to. It was far more painful than he'd anticipated, seeing L just within his grasp and yet so fully out of reach. It was the worst torture he knew.

 _Fuck it,_ Light thought bitterly as he grabbed his jacket and headed into the night. “L, wait up!”

L’s feet halted on the sidewalk despite his mind willing him forward. _Don't stop for him, you fool._ L grit his teeth and clenched his fists. “What do you want?” He spat.

All pleasantries were gone and Light didn't know why it surprised and hurt him. He stopped next to L, his labored breathing from the short jog catching up a testament to how out of shape he truly was. “I want to go with you.”

“No.”

“No? L, you can't stop me from going. He was my son too,” Light insisted.

L turned sharp, angry eyes to Light, “And if you had been watching him like you were supposed to he'd still be alive!”

The shock of that statement echoed through Light's body until it settled in his bones. He'd always suspected L blamed him, but to hear the words spoken out loud confirming it hurt in a way he couldn't describe. “L, I-"

“Don't,” L interrupted, “Don't you fucking dare!” L raised his fists and beat them against Light's chest. “I hate you! You don't get to be sorry! You don't get to come back and interrupt my life!” L was sobbing, his words almost indecipherable as he pressed his face into Light's chest and heaved.

Light wrapped his arms around L and together they wept for all they'd lost. “I'm sorry, L. I'm so sorry. I was wrong. I should've never left you…”

L couldn't form words any longer. It was all he could do to breathe against the agony he felt pouring out of him. He thought if he yelled at Light he'd feel better. That getting out all his frustrated anger would appease his inner turmoil. It did nothing of the sort.

Eventually his breathing evened out and his wailing quieted. It took a moment for him to realize Light was stroking his hair and humming the lullaby they used to sing their little boy. L opened his fists and grabbed Light’s tear soaked shirt, burying his face in it even further.

“We don't get to hate each other, L,” Light whispered softly, “That won't help James.”

L knew he was right. With a shuddering sigh, L loosed his grip on Light's shirt and snaked his long arms around Light's waist. “I don't hate you,” L finally admitted. “I miss you, Light. I miss you terribly.”

“I miss you too,” Light said softly. He'd dreamed so many nights of this reconciliation, of holding L again. Light never thought it would actually happen but when Near invited him to help with the case he couldn't resist. He had to try.

L tilted his face up to look into misty amber eyes. Light touched his chin and cheek, and L leaned into the tender touch. “Can I kiss you?” Light asked.

“Not yet. I'm not ready,” L whispered despite his heart aching for Light's lips upon his.

“I understand.” They held each other a moment longer, slowly unfolding until they were walking hand in hand toward the cemetery.

Upon facing the head stone, L announced, “Now son, don't get the wrong idea. Your father and I are _not_ back together.”

Light burst into laughter, the first hearty sound to leave his gut in ages. Then, in a mocking whisper, Light said, “Yes, we are.”

L responded by smiling as he shyly pressed his forehead into Light's shoulder and squeezed his hand. “Okay, maybe we are,” he admitted. Then, lifting his face to look into Light's, he said, “Go easy on me, please? It's been hard without you.”

Light reached up with his free hand and stroked L’s cheek. “Of course. You set the pace, okay?”

L nodded, eyes closing as he leaned into the tender touch. “I think James would be glad to see us give it another go.”

“I think so too,” Light agreed.

The two continued holding hands as they discussed their progress on the case with their son. They spoke excitedly about promising leads as though they expected him to answer. After a while, they both grew tired and Light decided to walk L home. He wanted to ask to go inside. He wanted to slip beneath the covers of L’s bed and press their bodies together. Light wanted to fall asleep with his nose buried in dark messy hair. It wasn't right to ask, however. He knew L would feel intruded upon if he did. Instead he pulled L into a firm embrace and kissed the top of his head lovingly. “I'll see you in the morning.”

“See you then,” L whispered, his eyes dodging Light’s as he pulled away. L knew if he looked into those needy eyes that he'd throw caution to the wind. He'd be too weak not to invite Light in and ravage him. It would be nothing to stay up all night making love and mending all the open wounds they'd caused each other.

It was too much of a risk, L knew. If Light loved him just to leave him again he wasn't sure he'd survive it this time. It was safer to say goodnight. It had to be this way if for nothing else but his own sanity.


	5. Time to Join a Cult!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L follow a promising lead.

The next morning, everyone was shocked to see L and Light push their desks together so they could sit side by side. Aizawa practically had to pick his jaw up off the floor when Light brought L a coffee. Near hid his approving grin behind a stack of cards.

“If I didn't know better, I might think you two were back together,” Naomi remarked as she stopped at their desk on her way in.

Both men smiled up at her from where they sat, their locked hands in plain view upon the desk. She winked at them before leaving to get to work at her own desk. This new development made her very happy indeed. Light and L belonged together. What happened to them was insanely unfair, but she knew they'd heal from those wounds better together than apart.

It wouldn't take long for the most brilliant minds in the world to get a very promising lead on a likely suspect. Vegas Hue was an infamous small time cult leader trying to make it big. He'd recently come into some money when a few celebrities joined his cult and made several huge donations. Along with the sudden cash flow came publicity as these celebrities began talking about all the good their new “church" was doing in the communities.

Vegas was suspected in a multitude of crimes but never arrested. He seemed to be good at leaving little to no evidence behind. Despite being a slippery bastard, L and Light were both certain they'd be able to charge him with _something._ He was the common denominator linking all the murders together. In each case, _someone_ was involved with this particular cult. It couldn’t be just a coincidence.

L turned to Light, wicked grin stretching across his face. “Want to join a cult?”

“I've always wanted to be brain washed,” Light replied with amusement dancing in his eyes.

The two decided to go undercover as Asahi and Ryuzaki, two friends attempting to escape their troubled lives. They approached the storefront set up that Vegas rented out, and were greeted by friendly members in bright blue t-shirts that read “Make the world a better place". Asahi took the lead, being the more superficially charming of the two, and introduced himself. “We've heard great things about your program and wanted to sign up to live on the compound.”

“Fantastic!” The overly happy brunette cheered. She pointed inside the door to a long rectangular white table and said, “That's Sherry. She'll be able to help you.”

“Thanks,” Light said as he passed through the doors.

The large room was painted white with accompanying off white linoleum tiles. It was a rather plain place except for the large bright blue banner that stated the same line as the shirts about making the world better. On the adjacent wall we’re framed posters that had positive, albeit cliché sayings about being kind, caring, etc. Overall, it would seem this particular cult had a very positive message to convey. The two detectives wondered where it all went dark.

They approached the table where a blond girl that reminded them both a bit of Nuts sat behind a laptop. “Welcome to the change the world needs! How can I help you two today?”

Light smiled, a stunningly deceitful thing, “We wanted to inquire about living on the compound. Are you accepting applications?”

“As a matter of fact, we are!” She beamed as she spoke, and while she had some characteristics like Misa, she was far less annoying. “All I need are your emails and I can send you a private invitation to fill out the forms online. We have an app I highly recommend downloading as well. I also recommend staying nearby as you fill out the form in case you have any questions for me!”

Both men nodded and smiled, giving her their cover email addresses. L thought it was hilarious that his was imgayforasahi@gmail, but Light simply rolled his eyes and tried to hide his embarrassment. Light's was a bit more sentimental, being jamesforeverloved@gmail. L cast a heavy look to Light as he said it and then looked away. Now was not the time to lose focus.

The links inviting them to apply to the cult cleverly disguised as a positivity and mental health movement came through quickly. The guys grabbed chairs that lined the wall with the large banner and began answering questions. It was a very thorough questionnaire, asking about family history of both physical and mental illnesses as well as asking about relationships and trauma. It asked many personal questions and both men answered honestly. They figured that was the best way to keep their covers as authentic as possible.

Once they were finished, they submitted their answers and walked back over to the girl behind the table. “What's next?” Light asked.

“Once room opens up on the compound you'll be emailed with instructions. Typically a bus picks you up here and drives you to the location,” she explained. “Most applicants are approved and wind up leaving for the compound in 24 to 48 hours. So, you shouldn't have to wait long.”

“Cool, thanks,” Light said. He and L both wanted and nodded goodbye, acting excited about the prospect of going to live on this compound.

In reality, they were both a mixture of nervous and curious. They weren't sure what to expect or if they'd even get to meet Vegas immediately. It would feel like a huge waste of time if he didn't live there and they went through all this trouble to find him. “Lunch?” L asked as they exited the building.

“Sure,” Light said, realizing he was quite hungry.

They made their way into a popular Café to eat, Light automatically choosing an out of the way booth for them. Despite the fact that they hadn't eaten out together in well over a year, it was still Light's instinct to find a place to sit where people wouldn't stare at the strange way L sat. L took notice of this, but kept his appreciation to himself.

“L?”

“Yes?”

“You've been staring at me for the last five minutes. Is something on your mind?”

“Oh,” L blushed a bit and diverted his eyes. “You just look different is all.”

“I look different? Different how?” Light wasn't sure he wanted the answer to this question but he'd already taken the bait.

L hesitantly glanced back up at Light, thoughtful. “When you first arrived, you looked… tired. You just didn't look like _you._ At least, not in the way I remember. Lately you've been looking more like yourself, though. Less tired. Younger.”

“Younger? That implies I was looking older at some point,” Light said, half a grin crossing his face. “The nightmares got worse after I left. I saw several doctors for it but nothing helped. When I came back to help on the case they just went away.”

L remembered clearly how horrible Light's nightmares were. They weren't every night, but on the nights he had them, he'd wake up screaming and crying, saying he'd found James' body. A couple of times Light got out of bed and went looking for James, frantic and worried. It always took a few minutes for him to come to and realize James was gone.

“I'm sorry,” L said, voice low. There wasn't much more to say than that.

The half grin on Light's face grew sympathetic and he laid his hand across the table. Letting go of one of his knees, L placed his hand in Light's. Warm, comforting fingers wrapped around L’s as they sat there in momentary silence.

“L, I-" was interrupted by a server coming over to take their order. _I still love you. I never stopped loving you. I want you back. Tell me you'll take me back._

L shyly withdrew his hand and the two ordered their food. The rest of lunch went by without any deep love confessions or emotional conversation. Light would have to be happy enough simply getting to hold L’s hand as they walked back to HQ. As they approached the large front doors, Light felt his opportunity closing.

Stopping L from entering the building with a tug of his hand, Light opened his mouth to speak when L interjected. “Don't,” L said. “Don't say it. Don't go there. You can't just walk back into my life after abandoning me for an entire year during the worst time of my life and expect things to be fine. You don't get to do that. That's not how this works.”

Light's face dropped and his chest ached. He knew L was right but he wouldn't be the world's most stubborn bastard if he gave up so easily. “How does it work then, L? How do I win you back? Please tell me.”

L simply looked down at the sidewalk he stood on, suddenly wishing to be anywhere but there. “I don't know, Light. Maybe you don't. Maybe too much has happened.”

Light tightened his grip on L’s hand. “I don't believe that. And why hold my hand and spend time with me if you don't want me back? That's confusing, L. Are you stringing me along?”

“I'm not trying to,” L still couldn't lift his face to look into Light's. He feared he might break if he did. “Part of me _does_ want you back. A large part of me. But I'm afraid, Light. I'm afraid of you leaving again. I'm afraid of the pain.”

Understanding gently crossed Light's features. His grip on L’s hand loosened but he did not let go. “I can't blame you there. I guess I should be thankful you're letting me into your life at all. You could've told me to fuck off.”

“I mean I still can,” L said, finally lifting his face to reveal a smirk.

Light laughed, “You haven't yet so I'm taking that as a good sign.”

They finally entered the building, Light scheming up every way he could think to get L back. He wished L could see how much he regretted leaving, how often he contemplated crawling back just to chicken out for fear of rejection. It was entirely his fault that L was feeling this way and he felt responsible for making it right. If he could. If L was willing.

They went back to working side by side, Light finding it increasingly difficult to keep his hands off L. The longer they were in close proximity to each other, the more he felt the urge to place his hand on the small of L’s back. He'd already caught himself midway to resting a hand on L’s shoulder. It was all he could do not to grab him and plant kisses all over his face. Light already dreamed nightly of the love they used to make. Daily he lived in the washed up tide of his mistakes. How he wished he never left. If only he could go back.

At least L was willing to let Light accompany him to the grave each night, then walk him home after. A few nights in between L allowed Light to treat him to dinner. Each time he insisted it wasn't a date. Light didn't care what L thought it was; he just wanted to be close to him.


	6. Into Danger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L being their undercover journey

It wouldn't take long for the cult to get back to them with approval of their applications and a date and time to meet back at the store front. They were instructed to pack only the necessities and to let their family know where they were going. It further stated that they were welcome to come and go from the compound as they pleased and to visit friends and family, though no unapproved visitors could come onto the property. This wouldn't be an issue for either of them and they didn't plan to leave the property until the job was done.

The morning they left, they both had a packed book bag and a large travel coffee. Mornings weren't L’s favorite thing, especially when they started before the sun even came up. When they made it to the store front, L grabbed Light’s hand unexpectedly and looked at him, saying, “Let's nail this bastard. For James.”

Light nodded as the gravity of their situation sunk in. “For James.”

The lights were on in the store front and they were invited in by the same friendly blond as before. Spread out on the table before them were an array of breakfast items and coffee, to which they helped themselves in gratuitous amounts. Several more people filtered in and after about thirty minutes of waiting around, a large bus pulled up. It was bright blue and shrink wrapped with their all too positive slogan in big white letters. The crowd of people cheered as the bus came to a stop outside the front door. Light and L exchanged quiet glances before lining up waiting their turn to board the bus.

The amount of people going to the compound surprised the two detectives, though they supposed it probably shouldn't have. The movement had been gaining quite a bit of traction lately, especially since getting several celebrity endorsements. Several people broke out into song along the way, much to the annoyance of Light and L. Eventually the crowd quieted down and L fell asleep against Light's shoulder, who didn't mind in the slightest.

For some reason the journey felt like it was taking an eternity to Light. He didn't want to fall asleep in case he missed something important. The desire to stay alert didn't keep his mind from wandering to thoughts about James and his marriage to L, however. As he watched the sleeping man drool and lightly snore against his shoulder, Light smiled. Stealing the perfect moment, he placed a kiss on that messy black hair and breathed in L’s scent. It took him back to a happier time, one where they laughed and made love and did everything together. They had everything and yet felt like something was missing.

“L? Baby?” Light asked as he approached his husband, who was sitting out on the screen porch enjoying his morning coffee.

Light only called him baby when he wanted something, and L immediately became suspicious. “Yes?” L looked up at his husband, whose blush brightened the dusting of freckles across his nose in the most adorable way. The fact that Light seemed quite emotional over whatever it was he wanted had L’s attention now. “What is it?”

Light dropped to his knees, hands resting on L’s forearm as he tried to find a way to explain his desires. “L, I want a baby.” There. He said it. No backing out now.

“Unfortunately, I cannot conceive, being a man and all,” L replied, seemingly unphased by Light's request.

“Be serious a moment,” Light pleaded. “I want to look into adoption. What do you think?”

L didn't need time to contemplate his answer. He knew immediately that he wanted the same thing. “I think that's the second best idea you've ever had.”

“What's the first?”

“Marrying me, of course.”

Light rolled his eyes, “Of course.”

“So, how do you want to go about this? Do we want a boy? A girl? An older child?” L asked. “We’ll need to get a home inspection. We might be required to foster first. I can look it up today.”

Light's eyes shined with adoration for his husband. “I love you so much,” Light said as he surged forward, hugging and kissing L.

L laughed at the intrusion and kissed Light back. “I love you too.” L didn't always express himself well, and this would be one of those moments. He was incredibly happy to adopt a baby with Light. He'd spent the better half of his childhood in the foster care system and knew it was brutal. He didn't recall much. All L knew was that it was traumatic. If they could save one child from that hell, there was nothing better, L thought.

The bus coming to a stop pulled Light from his daydream. It would appear they had arrived. “L, wake up,” Light said as he gently rocked L’s shoulder.

L grumbled and mumbled and moaned but eventually came to add the cheers from the crowded bus reached an annoyingly high octave. Sitting up, L looked out the window to find they were parked before a large gate awaiting entry. A few people outside were apparently examining the bus, a week trained shepherd sniffing along the bottom of it. That's when it occurred to L they were looking for a bomb. He'd forgotten about reading how a hate group had planted one on one of the cults busses. Thankfully it had malfunctioned and never went off.

Once they passed their nerve wracking bomb sweep, L breathed a sigh of relief as the bus revved its engine and the gate was opened for them. The whole bus vibrated and bounced its way down a long gravel road. On either side they were surrounded by desert for miles, and L wondered how much of the _come and go as you please_ bit was a lie. It would be easy to keep them all captives in the middle of a desert.

Finally, a small group of buildings came into view. The bus parked just outside the group of buildings and the driver announced their arrival. He wished them all well as they climbed out of the bus, several people in the group cheering and carrying on.

The heat of the day was already beating down on them despite it being only mid morning. L and Light looked around, taking everything in as they gathered their book bags and made their way toward the buildings. As the group of people got closer, L and Light realized there was a rather magnificent garden in the center that all the buildings surrounded. It no longer looked like a desert, but now looked like a serene place of healing and beauty. There were all kinds of flowers and trees, fruits and vegetables. Pathways and benches were scattered throughout and birds could be heard singing from the branches of the trees. There was a coy pond in the middle of it with a stunning little bridge running over it that looked hand built and hand painted. The place was truly breath taking.

“Welcome everybody!” a loud, happy female voice shouted over the forming crowd. “Please get comfortable in the garden. We will be doing your intake here. This process can take several hours but we will try to move you along as fast as possible.”

Some of the passengers from the bus got comfortable in the grass or on benches while others were taken inside to begin the intake process. L and Light stayed close to each other as they waited their turn. So far, the place seemed friendly and inviting, and they wondered when things would turn sinister. Surely all this peaceful pleasure was a front?


	7. Intake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally posted chapter 8 twice instead of 7 and 8 so here is the real chapter 7. Sorry!

Eventually it was their turn and for the first time, the two of them were separated. They were lead into private rooms where they sat across from someone dressed all in white who offered them tea. L did not accept at first, but Light did. The person in white introduced themselves as a counselor and had a file folder with L’s information in it. After a brief introduction, they got right to work. “It says in your file that you lost your son? I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Can you tell me about it?”

L nodded, knowing he was going to break down but figuring it would be good to show some authenticity. “Yes. He was murdered last year,” L explained. “It destroyed my life.”

In the room next to L, Light was having a similar conversation. The tea was basically a chamomile and lavender mixture designed to put the person at ease if they needed it. He found himself confessing all his regrets to this stranger in white. “I left my husband because I couldn't stand seeing him in such pain all the time. I couldn't stand myself. I felt like I had let us both down. Like I had let our son down. I had convinced myself that leaving was the right thing to do. That somehow my husband would be better off without me. I was wrong. I hate myself.”

The supposed counselor looked at Light with great sympathy, “Is your husband the man you came here with?”

“My ex husband, yes,” Light corrected.

“Well, I can't make any guarantees, but this place can be very healing if you're willing to do the work. You've both taken the first step by coming here, and I want to advise you to trust the process and to start rejecting those lies you tell yourself. You didn't let your husband or your son down. What happened was not your fault. Nobody is better off without you and you deserve love,” the counselor said.

The kind words rocked Light, and he couldn't help the tears that sprang forth. As hard as it was to watch a grown man cry, the counselor knew it was all a very necessary part of the process. “May I hug you?” the counselor asked.

Light nodded as he wiped his eyes. The counselor stood, placing Light’s file on his chair before approaching and wrapping Light in a hug. “I'm so glad you're here,” he said before letting Light go.

“Me too,” Light sniffled.

Once intake was over, L and Light reunited back in the garden. From there they were shown to their dorm. It was much bigger than they were expecting, more like a nice apartment than a small dorm. It had two bedrooms, a fully stocked kitchen, and a spacious bathroom to share.

The two settled in nicely, putting their clothes away and looking over their itinerary. Apparently there was a community lunch and dinner that would be served between group therapy and work sessions. Of course, community meals were optional and the two could choose to cook themselves a meal in their apartment. Participation was optional, but the men knew they wanted to deep dive into the full experience and so planned on attending lunch and group therapy.

Lunch turned out to be a stunning array of salad options and grilled vegetables from the community garden. For dessert, they offered fresh fruit and juices or water to drink. Being health conscious to begin with, Light was delighted by the options. L was less than excited, opting for fresh cut fruit and mumbling grumpily about it the entire time. They quickly learned that the compound only served vegetarian dishes, but if someone wanted meat, they could order it and have it delivered to their dorm. L was quite curious to know if it was possible to order things like ice cream and cookies as well.

After lunch, group therapy was set up in the garden and led by an older man who looked like he hadn't shaved in nearly a year. Apparently his idea of therapy was a lot of breathing and yoga poses while talking about ‘clearing your mind’ and letting positivity flow through you. Light threw himself into the activity wholeheartedly but L found himself bored and still hungry.

After the very relaxing yoga, the group transitioned to working the garden. Light seemed to thoroughly enjoy this as well while L rolled his eyes and continued complaining. “Come on, it's not that bad,” Light whispered as he dug his bare hands into fresh dirt.

“Speak for yourself. I'm _starving,”_ L moaned as he poked the ground with a spade and did little else.

“Well maybe you should've eaten more than a fruit cup for lunch,” Light remarked.

L simply stuck his tongue out at Light, not expecting him to fling dirt in his face. Horrified, L began spitting as he wiped clean his tongue. Light simply laughed as he watched L freak out. Light knew L would get him back later, but for now it was totally worth the laugh.

Back at their apartment, L made his way to the kitchen and devoured an entire bag of chips. Still unsatisfied, he opened the freezer to find there was indeed ice cream inside. “So, there is a God!” he exclaimed as he shoveled the chocolate treat into his mouth.

Amused, Light simply watched on as L ate himself into a stomach ache. It didn't surprise him in the least when L immediately ran to the toilet to vomit it all up the moment he finished his pint. “Serves you right, you know,” Light said as he brought L a glass of water.

“You could have at least a little sympathy for me, you know,” L commented as he hugged the porcelain.

Leaning against the door frame, Light said, “I'm a psychopathic killer, remember? I don't feel sympathy for anyone.”

L rolled his eyes, “You are many things, Light, but an emotionless psycho killer is not one of them.”

“I'm sorry, what? Can you repeat that? Actually, hold on. Let me get my phone out so I can record this admission.” Light began to shuffle around in his pants pocket and withdraw his phone.

“Oh, fuck off Light. That was a long time ago,” L said as he sat up and accepted the water Light brought him.

“Maybe. But you never did admit you were wrong.”

“That's because I wasn’t.”

Light's jaw could've hit the floor. “You mean to say you _still believe_ to this very day that I killed all those people?”

L stood and walked over to Light. Setting the cup on the sink, he placed a hand on Light's chest. Ignoring Light's question entirely, L grinned wickedly, “What do you say we have ourselves a little make out session? Hmm?”

“Ew, L! Gross! No! Brush your teeth first,” Light began to struggle as L pursed his lips and tried tugging Light to him by the front of his shirt. This was L’s perfect revenge; to snog his ex one good time with his puke breath and make him gag.

Their pretend tussle ended in laughter and jokes. Eventually, L conceded and brushed his teeth, Light watching him to make sure he actually did it. “I'm not nine, you know,” L complained.

Arms crossed and back leaned against the door frame, Light huffed a bit, “Could've fooled me.”

L turned and pretended to try and stick his toothpaste and spit covered toothbrush in Light's mouth. Light was able to fend him off long enough to escape the bathroom, still laughing and smiling as he did so. It occurred to him that neither he nor L had laughed this much in a very long time. It felt good, like it somehow meant they were really starting to heal. _I know you don't want to hear it, L, but I really do love you._


	8. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L work through their trauma together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unusually long but I hope you like it!

Community dinner rolled around about the time L got his appetite back and fully recovered from his earlier mishap. The two decided to check it out and see if they could get to know the other members and maybe start identifying key players. It was such a beautiful location and everyone was so friendly that it was easy to forget they weren't on vacation and were in fact in a very important undercover investigation.

Veggie tacos and tamales were served with sliced, fried plantains. To say L loved the plantains was an understatement. It was easily now his favorite sweet treat. How he’d never before had the pleasure of eating one until now was a complete mystery to him. Light was indifferent about them and wound up losing his portion to L’s insatiable appetite.

After dinner, the group gathered outside around a large fire where stories were being told and songs taught. Hot tea was passed around, and both Light and L sat cross legged on the grass and enjoyed a cup of tea with everybody else. Without even thinking about it or realizing he'd done it, Light placed his free hand on L’s knee. L noticed, but did not pull away. The night was going so well and he didn't want to make things awkward by putting space between them. Besides, if he were honest with himself, he liked it. He missed all the casual little ways Light used to touch him.

When the fire died down and people began heading to their rooms, Light and L decided to follow suit as well. It was strange to live under the same roof and sleep in different rooms. They'd always shared a bed while living together. Even back when Light was under investigation, L chained them together and forced them to do everything together. As odd as it was, that was what had started cultivating the love between them. L grew less suspicious and more fond of his captive suspect. Light found that on the nights L actually slept, he rather enjoyed watching him.

Now they stood in their little apartment, ready to say goodnight and yet somehow reluctant to. Unable to help himself, Light pulled L into his chest and held him there. L did not struggle. Instead, he melted into the warm embrace and breathed Light in. They stood that way a moment, silent in the flicker of love they still held for each other.

Light wanted to say so many things. Do so many things. He wanted to passionately kiss his former lover and walk him backwards into the bedroom and ravage his body until L was a shaking, sweaty mess. He wanted to apologize and tell L how much he loved him, how terribly he missed him, how much he wanted him back. Light wanted so many things, but he knew these things had to be initiated by L. While he might be able to get away with holding L like this, he knew he walked a fine line.

L surprised Light by wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing his face beneath Light's chin into his chest. He surprised Light even more when he lifted his face up, locked eyes with Light a moment, then pressed their cheeks together. Lips temptingly close to his ear, L whispered, “I still love you. I'm just not ready.”

Light wasn't expecting to burst into tears and tighten his hold of L, but that's exactly what he did. He buried his face in L’s shoulder and openly wept, his emotions pouring forth as though the words L muttered were the key to his emotions. Light trembled and gasped, saying, “I love you too. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do anything.”

L separated their faces once again and peered lovingly into Light's eyes. With a tenderness unlike L, he graced his fingertips along Light's bangs to brush them from his eyes. “I'm counting on it. Goodnight, Light.”

Light's grip loosened on L and he almost felt cold at the loss of L’s body against his. “Goodnight, L,” Light muttered as he watched L go.

Both men would struggle to sleep that night. Not because they were in a strange location or because they were running the risk of discovery, but because they needed each other so desperately. Their bodies ached for each other. Their minds raced with thoughts and memories. Despite fatigue settling in their bones and begging them to rest, they couldn't. Not while they were still apart.

The morning brought with it a fresh cup of coffee, compliments of Light. It also brought with it the smell of cinnamon buns baking, calling L from his bed like a sirens song. He didn't realize how much he missed Light's baking until that salivating moment. A giggle or two may have escaped Light as he served L his sticky, sugary breakfast.

L devoured it quickly, licking the icing from each finger before saying, “If you think you can win me back through food. You're right.”

Light laughed and served him another one before finishing off his own breakfast of a protein shake. “We both have private and group therapy today according to the itinerary.”

“Alright,” L said, mouth full of sticky, warm goodness. In his opinion, Light's famous cinnamon buns were enough to make any sin forgivable. L thought he may just have to take the man back after all.

Joking thoughts aside, L watched Light move about the kitchen as he cleaned up after himself. There was still so much emotional baggage in the way of them truly being together, but they were both making an effort. They both wanted it more each day, and the longer Light hung around the less L recalled his abandonment. The more Light tried, the better L felt. He wasn't anywhere near ready to be intimate with him again but with time and healing he didn't see why he couldn't be. Besides, Light had seemed truly sorry for leaving and it made L believe he wouldn't make that mistake again.

They both got ready and made their way outside, hoping to get some direction. Neither of them knew where therapy was to be held. In the garden they saw a young black woman with an afro tending to the vegetables. “Excuse me,” Light said politely, “We’re supposed to have therapy in the August building. Do you know which that is?”

“Oh, yes,” She said as she pointed to the white rectangular building in front of her.

“Thank you!” Light said as he took L’s hand and walked with him into the building.

Inside, it was set up like any other therapist office. Comfortable chairs and a sofa lined the walls while potted plants stood in the corners. A coffee table in the center of the waiting room held boring magazines nobody really cared to read.

The front desk had a sign in sheet but no staff member or volunteer in sight. The men signed in and took a seat next to each other while they waited. They were the only two in the waiting room, and they felt like they might be the only two on the whole building until one of the doors down the hall opened and a friendly female voice said, “I'll see you next week!”

Light smiled and L looked away as a young man exited the building. The friendly sounding woman appeared before them, smiling softly as she folded her hands together in front of her off white tunic. “Hi there. I'm Dr. Marjorie. Did you two want to do your session together or separate?”

L and Light lines at each other before shrugging. “I'll leave that up to L,” Light said.

“We can try it together,” L agreed.

They both stood and followed the woman back into the room she’d come from. She had soft, Light brown hair and pretty hazel eyes that were hidden behind glasses. She appeared to be younger than they expected a therapist to be, but didn't mind.

“Please have a seat and make yourself comfortable,” she said as she motioned to the white couch in the room. She took a seat in a chair across from them and opened a notebook on her lap. “I've looked at your intake papers, of course, and I want to start by saying how sorry I am that you both went through such a tragedy. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child.”

“Thank you,” the men said together. L reached for the comfort of Light's hand, knowing in that moment that they wouldn't be going through the motions of therapy for the sake of the case. No, this was real, and it would be difficult.

“Would you two like to unpack how your son’s passing affected you? I see it led to your eventual split. I'm sorry to hear about that too.”

Surprisingly, L spoke up. “I don't blame him for leaving. As much as it hurt, it was my fault, really.” L turned to Light, his face earnest and eyes shining, “I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. You were in pain too but I was too wrapped up in mine to see it. I'm sorry.”

Light was shocked. L never apologized for _anything._ L was never wrong, at least in his own mind. It took Light a moment to respond. “Ryuzaki, you didn't make that choice for me. I did. I'm the one who left. You're not responsible for my decisions.”

L covered their joined hands with his other hand, looking up at Light adoringly as he spoke, “I think it's safe to say we both had a hand in what happened. There was a lot we both could've done better. There are things I could've done differently. Things I wish I had done differently.”

Light's eyes glistened with love as a soft blush lit up the freckles across his nose. “I love you so much. I realized my mistake as soon as I left, but I didn't know how to come back. I knew you wouldn't have me. How could you forgive the man that took your son _and_ your husband?”

With that admission, Light burst into tears. L immediately wrapped Light in a hug and held him. He whispered, “I forgive you. Of course I forgive you.”

When Light calmed down, the therapist asked, “Why do you blame yourself for your son's death?”

With a sniffle, Light explained, “I was supposed to be watching him, but I wasn’t. I thought he was old enough to play outside without me being a helicopter dad, so I stepped away to make us lunch. We lived in a safe neighborhood. I knew and trusted my neighbors. When I stepped outside to get him, he was nowhere to be found.”

“What happened was tragic and horrible, but you are in no way responsible for it, Asahi. You could not have predicted what happened. It's impossible to keep an eye on a child constantly. They _should_ have the freedom to play outside with friends without their parents hovering over them. That is not wrong. You did nothing wrong. You sound like an excellent father to me, and I'm sure James felt incredibly loved by you,” the therapist said.

Light burst into tears all over again and L rubbed his back with one hand as he held Light’s hand with his other. “She's right. This was never your fault. I'm so sorry I blamed you.”

Light sniffled and took a tissue from the container on the table by the couch. After wiping his nose, he turned red eyes to L, the look on his face thankful. He’d waited _so long_ to hear those simple words, and now that they'd finally been uttered, Light felt he could start healing.

The session continued with them exploring their feelings and making tremendous strides toward each other emotionally. The therapist gave them homework, which was basically just to journal their feelings and reflect on their session. When it was over, they both thanked her and headed back to their little apartment. Too emotionally exhausted to participate in any of the other activities that day, they both decided a nap was in order.

Squeezing L’s hand to get his attention, Light gave his partner a shy smile. “Nap with me?”

L grinned crookedly in return. That sure sounded good to him. He missed the feel of Light's warm body against his, the way his skin felt, hair smelled, and how his chest slowly rose and fell as he slept. The more L thought about it the more he realized he missed everything about Light. He missed their kisses, he missed their love making, he missed their relationship. He also realized that the closer he and Light got, the less painful it was to remember their son. It felt like Light was sharing the burden of his pain and somehow lifting it from him. For the first time in over a year, L felt like he might be able to move past their son’s death.

Hand in hand they made their way into Light's bedroom. Silently they agreed to keep their underwear and shirts on. Neither quite felt ready to be naked with the other, and besides, this was about sleep, not sex. They climbed beneath the covers right as a clash of thunder and flash of lightning sounded outside. It was followed by the soothing pelting beat of rain against the roof. There couldn't have possibly been more perfect weather to fall asleep too.

Turning on his side to face L, Light smiled as he brushed dark hair away from deep eyes. In a surprising moment of possibly lapsed judgment, L surged forward and planted his lips firmly against Light’s. It felt so foreign yet familiar. The taste, the warmth, the feel all brought memories rushing back to them both. L and Light held onto each other as the kiss continued, eyes closed and mouths needy. When it ended, they laid there a moment, simply taking each other in. They'd both been waiting over a year for this, and it was spectacular indeed.

Light pulled L’s body into his, wrapping an arm around him as he closed his eyes and breathed him in. _I'll never leave you again, L. I promise._ The rain softly beat against the bedroom window, and the two lovers fell asleep holding each other, knowing that they'd made their way back to each other despite all they had been through.


End file.
